Under The Skin
I happened to stumble upon a program on SBS last night whilst enjoying a lazy night at home. It was a documentary about Geisha: in particular, a young girl called Kikuyu, who was studying to become a Maiko, and eventually a Geisha (or Geiko). It reminded me of why I fell in love with Japan to begin with and in particular, Kyoto. It also reminded me of my first exhibition at Jackman Gallery in 2003, where the theme of my work was Geisha.
Just today I found a few old photos of some of the pieces from that Geisha series.
Although my recent work has moved on from the Japanese theme that dominated my work for around 5 years, I must say that watching the program last night re ignited some Eastern influences. I don't think I will be featuring the painted ladies in my work again just yet but I will say that for the first time since returning from Japan last June I had an overwhelming desire to return there. Despite seeing another side of Japan, other than the glamorised one, whilst living there - and experiencing moments where I struggled to find beauty, it seems Japan and I may have unfinished business.
Maybe one day.
Clean(s)ing The Palette
I have not painted since my exhibition opened last Wednesday evening. Actually I tell a lie, two days ago I put a base coat of colour down on two canvases that I will be painting for an upcoming group show. I find I often have a little emotional and creative battle with myself just after an opening. In some ways it is almost like I am rebelling. I still want to and feel the need to paint but there is a part of me that refuses to. The part that wants to read a book and watch a movie... and sleep in... and do all the things I don't get around to doing when I am working to a deadline. Another of those things is eating. I have never been shy about having a healthy appetite. I love food. It was one of the first things my partner noticed and enjoyed about me, perhaps partly because he is a chef.
The rather unfortunate thing at the moment however is that my appetite is almost non existent. Since being sick a few weeks ago I have just not regained my full appetite or general sense of well being. My stomach and my head are refusing to work in unison at the moment.
My canvases are accepting the subject of food a lot easier than my body at the moment. I must say, despite being a little pressured time wise whilst producing the work for my exhibition, I thoroughly enjoyed exploring the subject of food and desire, combined with my dual existence. It is a subject I feel I will continue to explore for the time being. Far too many ideas did not find their way on to canvas in time for this show.
Me, Myself Portrait and I - Part II
So why paint thy self?
Does it need justifying, or am I, in some bizarre way, trying to justify it to myself?
I quickly added this to a statement the other day...
The self-portrait is something most, if not all, artists explore at some point in their artistic career. It is a figure an artist can paint without worrying about offending the subject/model in any way. An artist can paint himself or herself however they like or however they see themselves, after all, we know ‘ourselves’ better than anyone else. There is perhaps a sense of more freedom and less worry of criticism when one paints a self-portrait – though there are ALWAYS critics – we ourselves are our own worst.
Another reason for this exhibition consisting of only self-portraits is the story I wanted to tell. The story of my battle of wills – the artist vs. the waitress as mentioned in a previous statement.
Since returning from living in Japan in June of 2007, I have lived away from the city, therefore away from my family and circle of friends, away from the social and cultural activities that enticed and inspired me before I left. I have not really had much interaction with anyone other than my partner, and the people I work with – leaving less opportunity to meet potential models and inspirational figures. I often work long hours in hospitality so my life has consisted of waiting and painting and not much else in between so it seemed inevitable that I should produce this body of work on exhibition aptly titled – ‘Food and Desire’.
Post...
Opening nights are a strange affair.
I used to think they were kind of exciting and basked in the social aspect of it all. These days, I feel very differently about the whole parade. If I had a choice this year I probably would've opted to not attend my own. Perhaps I have become more dedicated to and passionate about what I do that I only want to share what I do not who I am... as contradictory as that sounds - for I AM my art and my art is me. I suppose my body of work in this show narrates the most 'complete' story of any body of work I have ever produced.
It is me on the wall so do I NEED to be present while the works are on show?
My mind always races after the opening of an exhibition. I guess my thoughts shift from being so focused on producing the work before the show then all of a sudden I'm exposing what has been such a private and intense creative process and relationship with whoever walks into the gallery. There is perhaps a sense of security whilst my works are with me in the studio and I am constantly working on them and living with them... then the dynamic changes completely. They are no longer in the safe secure environment of 'my space' - they are out in the big world... like children leaving home. That may sound a little dramatic but I seem to be on a rambling roll at the moment so will continue... unedited. I mentioned to my partner the other day that my paintings are like my children. I am not a biological parent of a human being - my partner has two beautiful boys, whom I adore, but I will never give birth to a child of my own. I give birth to my paintings. It may be a difficult analogy for some people to grasp but it makes sense to me. The bizarre thing is I actually see similarities in my partners relationship with his children and my relationship with my art.
For the first time in six years I felt vulnerable at my own exhibition opening. I felt more naked than the figures in my work. I was not comfortable there. I am comfortable in my studio. Such a difference to the me of six years ago when I had my first exhibition at that particular gallery.To the me who used to manage a high profile gallery and organise such events with flair and flamboyancy.
Back then, the whole event was about a lot of different things. For me now though, it is about the art and ONLY the art.
Go Figure... and Deliver
Ironically, I have been sick since my last entry. I spent Anzac day horizontal, paying my respects from the couch. I did not eat for a couple of days. The timing was not good, but there never really is a good time to be unwell - not for anyone.
I delivered my paintings to the gallery today and stayed for the hanging. The paintings always seem to take on a new life, or light, when they are hanging all together on a pristine white gallery wall. I felt pleased with what I had produced but was looking forward to a night away from the works and being able to walk in there tomorrow night with somewhat fresh eyes.
The feeling of seeing them on a gallery wall is so completely different to viewing them at home or in the studio. There is a feeling of vulnerability once they are out there and exposed for people to see - and no doubt judge - we are all critics of some kind.
I am debating whether or not I want to place some text on view about the works. A kind of 'guide' to the paintings on exhibit. Normally I like to leave my art very open to individual interpretation, even though I may have a definite message or story within or behind the piece. I don't like to tell people what they should see - I don't wish to force my work on anyone. If someone likes it, that's great - without sounding blase about it, for admittedly it is always nice when somebody likes or appreciates your work.
I guess the fact that these works are just so personal, I would not like to think they would be misinterpreted. Then again, anyone likely to misinterpret them would probably not be interested in the story behind them anyway. Should I really be that concerned?
I need a good nights sleep.
Plate or Palette?
I must say, one thing that suffers, (other than my partner), when I am 'in the zone' : painting or preparing for an exhibition, is my diet.
As a general rule, I try to eat fairly healthy, opting for organic produce when I can get it. I don't eat meat, other than fish, and my diet usually consists of a good balance of fresh vegetables, grains, legumes and fish. Over the past few months however, my diet has been quite poor despite my passion for good food.
I sometimes forget to eat when I am painting. I get so involved with what I am doing that in a sense, my art feeds me - or at least suppresses my hunger. Often too, even when I am hungry, I find I do not want to stop the momentum or interrupt any creative roll I may be on to prepare food so I either skip meals or eat something quick and easy - and often not too nutritious.
This habit or lifestyle doesn't seem to present too many problems short term, but the longer it goes on the more I feel it having a negative effect and denying me the sustenance I ultimately need.
I guess it all comes back to the whole 'balance' thing that I speak of so often... something I am STILL striving for?
Living in a Paint Box
Today I feel a little 'painted out'. I feel slightly claustrophobic. Stir crazy. I have made an attempt to paint all day but have found myself literally pulling at the neck of my t-shirt every few minutes. I was finding it very hard to focus let alone be disciplined.
Perhaps part of being disciplined is knowing when to stop, or at least have a break.
I think one can look at one's own work for far too long that distance is then needed for it to be appreciated again.
Being an artist is often very much a solitary sort of existence. I have had to try and explain to a number of friends as to why I cannot see them until the end of the month... or even have lengthy phone calls. To many this may sound rather strange or perhaps even selfish, however, I know those who truly know me do understand. If not now, they will after the show. One of my dear friends recently sent me a lovely text, after I briefly explained it to her via SMS (how times have changed), the last line meant the most to me, it read - 'Just keep painting, your people will still be there when you are done'.
Right now though, I feel the need to get out. Be outside.
I am going out! Even if it is only for a chai tea.
12 Months Ago
I missed Japan a little last night... not to the point where I wanted to be there but enough to cook myself a bowl of ramen noodles with tofu and flick though some photos.
This time last year I was going through my post-opening comedown and preparing to go back to Japan... uncertain of how long I would be staying there.
A lot can happen in a year... and a lot has... but I am not complaining.
Today I painted all day.
Patience and Persistence VS PMT
Time Flies
This time last year I was 'living' in Japan but was back in Melbourne for my exhibition at Jackman Gallery.
How time flies.
It is almost 'showtime' again and as it gets nearer I am thinking...
...deadlines are exhausting!
Riches To Rags
I took some time out from painting on the weekend and went to Ballarat with my partner and his two boys. A dear friend of mine had invited me to her partner's, (Ted May), exhibition at Ballarat Fine Art Gallery.
It has been a while since I have been to any sort of art event or exhibition opening. I think the last opening I went to was my own in April last year. A lot has changed since my days as gallery manager at Metro 5 Gallery, where it was a job requirement to schmooze at such events inside and outside of the gallery. I did get caught up in it all for a little while but I must say I prefer things a little more low key now.
There were a number of faces I recognised from those days whilst enjoying Ted's work on Saturday, and a number of them recognised me. One comment I loved was made by someone who did not recognise me at first glance and when his partner pointed me out he made a remark that suggested one of the reasons he did not recognise me was because I was not dressed as dashingly as I was when in that position. He did not quite know how to word it, possibly worried his words might be taken in offence, but I understood what he meant and I certainly did not see it as a criticism. In fact I felt more comfortable in my trusty cargo pants and plain black t-shirt than I would have in my white tuxedo.
This is not to say I don't like to get dressed up on occasion, but it is for different reasons now. When it comes to these sort of events, I am happy to dress down and blend in. I don't want to stand out. Art events are about the art on the walls, not a fashion show - and when it comes to my exhibition, I'd rather people notice my work than me or what I am wearing.
I have just questioned my subconscious - for perhaps this is the reason I am not wearing anything in my paintings. It's not about exhibitionism... it's more about a no frills type of rawness.
It makes sense to me anyway...
The Art Of Endurance
Finally I have finished the next piece in the new series. I feel exhausted after hunching over my canvas for the past few days and squinting whilst doing all the fine brushwork.
I am feeling happy about my work though so it makes this exhausted feeling worth it.
It is nearly time for a shift carrying plates... how fitting - this piece says it all.
Me, Myself Portrait and I
This current body of work is possibly the most personal and intimate that I have ever produced. So personal that I feel it will be somewhat of a risk to show it - or should I say exhibit it in a commercial gallery sense.
All works thus far in this series are self portraits - a subject I have had numerous debates about regarding mine and others. I am an artist who will happily promote this subject, and when needed, defend it... and my reasons are not as egotistic as some may think. Having said that, I don't know an artist without an ego - then again, I don't know many people, artists or not, who do not possess at least something that resembles one. It's not a dirty word.
This body of work is also the most articulate work I have done for a long time. I feel like I have been working on this current piece forever. I have spent the past few days working on it and I still feel like I have so much more to do before it is complete.
It will be interesting to see how this work is perceived. I could worry about what others will think of the work and whether they will understand my reasons for painting this series but I am choosing not to. For far too long I have let things like this worry me far too much.
Worry less - Paint more.
The Final Touch
It's always such gratifying feeling to complete a piece AND be happily satisfied with it.
My new work is really making so much sense to me. I feel I am beginning to make up for lost time. For the first time in ages I feel so connected to, involved in, and excited by the work I am doing and it's a fucking great feeling.
Calling it a Night...
Due to poor light...
Being in the hospitality industry, as I am at present, I work most nights, therefore it is quite rare for me to have the opportunity to paint at night, such as tonight. This being the case I have never really worried too much about lighting in the house/studio as not only do I prefer to paint in natural light, but it, (daytime), was really the only time I had the opportunity to paint.
Now that I am spending less time carrying plates and more time pushing paint I am going to have to look into purchasing some kind of artificial lighting - perhaps some that simulates natural light - to allow me to paint well into the coming evenings.
My eyes began to feel rather strained tonight so I had to stop. I feel a little anxious about stopping tonight as the piece I have worked on meticulously all day, (and not just today), is finally so close to completion.
My partner has watched me painting this piece (and a sister piece) for the past week or so and made a comment earlier today about the hours upon hours that can be spent on each piece without any real evidence of progress to the average eye. He is so right. However, finally, late this afternoon - the progress became visible.
I am finally feeling excited about and interested in my work again after a long lull. It's a good feeling.
Random Ramblings From a Visual and Verbal Diary
Food and desire...
The battle between necessity and passion – one feeding the other and the frustration along the way. Where would I rather be? What would I rather be doing. Exploring the idea or notion… fighting to create… the painting waitress – the waitress who paints – the painter who waits…. Waits to create… waits to paint.
Exploring my world… the means in which I need to meet to paint… as well as the NEED to paint. Waitressing to support my art. Also exploring the mysteries or other persona of the waitress… such a personal yet non attached job… an intimate yet generic job or role. Serving an audience. What does a waitress do when she is not waiting? More than just a waitress… the notion that she could be anyone or anything outside of her waiting job. Many musicians, actresses and artists have done it. Often it’s a way to make ends meet whilst waiting for a break or recognition or respect in their chosen field of the arts…. Waiting to be noticed? People have no idea of what else you can do other than carry multiple plates and pour champagne with one hand behind our back and a smile on our face… “she’s just a waitress” – oh no she is not – she is so much more…. Wanting to sometimes scream out loud… to paint the walls…. The disrespect from some… the demands to be ‘served’…. We offer a service but not our dignity. What makes you better than me? Then there’s the tippers…. Most are genuine – a few are sometimes patronising… ‘here – take my money, I have too much and you look like you could use some, after all, you’re just a waitress.’ There is a certain mystery to waitresses and waiters… its like role play… we ARE actors… we are not always happy to see the customer – sometimes we’d rather be doing something else…. I know most of the time I’d rather be painting, though there is somewhat of a fondness for the job, the people and for the role play – I guess ultimately I could be who ever I want to be, what would anyone know?… but all I want to be is an artist…. I AM an artist. An artist who waits.
There is also the personal and sensual element to food and taste… the quality, presentation and service can contribute to making someone’s night, or day, special… memorable…
Some remember you some forget…. the same goes the other way. Some want to know more about you, others pretend they already know and some couldn’t even remember which one of us took the drink order. Some are understanding some just demanding… some want all your attention some want hardly any… you learn a lot about people… but what do people learn about the waitress?
A battle of wills
A conflict of interest.
A slave to the wage.
It takes two
Waiting to paint
Plate or palette
Serve it up
My heart on a plate (I wear my heart on my plate/palette)
Serving up my soul
Dish
Culinary studio
Culinary culture
Taking orders
Passive aggressive
Versus
Me and myself versus I
Pushing to paint
What’s on the plate
Carving up the canvas
A recipe for dreaming
Place your order (here)
First course / Entrée
Main course
Just desserts
Time waits for noone
Canned Heat
I am struggling with the heat today.
Sometimes I find I have more energy on hot days - but today I am finding the heat oppressive. It is affecting my work and my time in the studio. It is battling with my creative productivity and it is winning today. As I tried to stitch into my canvas I felt like my hands were melting.
I sat on the couch to eat lunch and ended up falling asleep. When I awoke it took me some time to drag myself off the couch and back into the studio. I attempted again to work on a canvas but found myself back on the couch.
I don't even think it is actually that hot today, but for some reason I am feeling it to its full intensity and it is causing me to feel incredibly lethargic. Admittedly I have not had a great nights sleep in some time, and I have never professed to being a Summer or hot weather person but this feels somewhat extreme for me... and apparently the coming week is going to be even warmer.
It's a waste of time feeling like this. I am going to go to Bunnings and buy a fan tomorrow.
Fill In The Blanks
I picked up my twelve custom made canvases yesterday and whilst I was at my suppliers, ordered a couple of larger ones.
It is always as daunting as it is exciting when I get new canvas to paint and create on. After all these years I am still somewhat intimidated by the blank surface - pristine and white - daring me to make a mark... MY mark.
My head has been spinning a little in the studio today. I am jumping from one piece to another, whilst contemplating a brand new one. I feel a great lack of discipline today but also a resurgence of inspiration and motivation - so it's not all bad.
A Recipe For Dreaming
I was just about to head off to bed when I saw a story on the late news.
I cannot even begin to write about how happy this story has made me and has given back a little of the faith I seem to be rapidly losing in and for the Australian art world.
I have admired the work of Del Kathryn Barton for a few years now and whilst I am not a big fan of, or advocate for, art awards - despite having helped to create one during my time in arts management - I was pleased to hear of this result.
I will sleep easier tonight.
34
I did not paint or draw at all today - but I did have the best birthday ever. It was definitely one to remember.
Thank you C.
Words Don't Come Easy
This time last year I was painting on a rooftop in Osaka, Japan.
I want to write an entry today but don't really have much to say - hence my entry being in image format. They say a picture paints a thousand words...
I just wish there were more hours in the day so I could paint more.
Everything Old is New Again
When I returned from Japan I was, surprisingly enough, struggling to find artistic inspiration. I came home with a head full of emotions rather than a head full of ideas. I found myself wanting so desperately to paint but not really knowing what I was doing or wanted to do... to the point where the work I did do became formulated. Rather than daring to throw some new methods or ideas around or onto canvas, I stuck with what felt safe and began producing a few pieces that saw me happy to be painting again but failed to inspire or motivate me enough to even finish them. As a result, they have sat in my studio for months, just waiting for some attention.
I believe my most recent experience in Japan was so very different to previous ones that it has ultimately had a huge effect on my art. I used to always get asked how long I thought I would 'stick to this Japanese theme'. I never had an answer. I didn't think it was a question that could be answered. You cannot just decide when a particular subject or theme will cease to inspire you. You ride the waves of inspiration for as long as you can. I now feel like that wave I was riding has crashed to shore and I have had to swim out to sea to catch a new one. The good thing is... I feel like I am surfing again.
I sat staring at two of these half finished works today, preparing to farewell them. I love a good 'paint-out'. It's somewhat liberating. It's time for a new artistic relationship.
This is not to say that I will not revisit previous themes, I am almost certain I will, and there will no doubt be repeated motifs or designs that are carried over into the new body of work. It's just time to step outside the square.
In Praise of Slow
A couple of years ago, a good friend of mine leant me a book he thought I would enjoy. The book was In Praise of Slow by Carl Honoré. It made a lot of sense...
Are you always in a hurry?
Does life feel like a never-ending race against the clock?
These days, many of us live in fast forward and pay a heavy price for it. Our work, health and relationships suffer. Over-stimulated, over-scheduled and overwrought, we struggle to relax, to enjoy things properly, to spend time with family and friends. The Slow movement offers a lifeline. It is not a Luddite plot to abolish all things modern. You don't have to shun technology, live in the wilderness or do everything at a snails pace. Being Slow means living better in the hectic modern world by striking a balance between fast and slow. In Praise of Slow is the first handbook for the emerging Slow movement. Through a blend of anecdote, reportage, first-hand experience, history and intellectual inquiry, it explains how the world got so fast and why slowing down can pay dividends in every walk of life. To illustrate the benefits of deceleration, the book travels from a Tantric sex workshop in London to a meditation room for executives in Tokyo, from a Chi Kung squash class in Edinburgh to a SuperSlow exercise studio in New York City, from a TV-free household in Toronto to Italy, the home of Slow Food, Slow Cities and Slow Sex movements. Wherever you go, whatever you do, the message is the same: slower is often better. - Carl Honoré.
I am currently trying to apply the art of Slow to my work - my art, but am filled with such an abundance of inspiration right now that I just want to finish everything in a hurry. I'm jumping from one painting to the next, each one giving birth to new ideas that I don't want to wait to explore.
Perhaps I need to read the book again.
Speaking of Art
There are times where I don't think, I just paint. The work just evolves as I go. There have been pieces I have planned from start to finish but sometimes I find this process restrictive.
Usually, initially, there is an image or idea in mind but often the finished piece ends up looking different to what I had first imagined. This is one of the reasons I like working with layering. Often each new layer, be it paint, collage or stitching, will inspire or determine what happens next. Many things seem to be done subconsciously, and for me, this keeps things interesting and exciting.
This was drawn to my attention last night whilst sitting at the bar at work when I was asked about my art. I don't make a habit of talking too much about my art, I'd rather just paint. For me art is a very personal thing - yet on the flipside, I do enjoy being able to share it with others. I don't however, have the expectation that others should see in my work the same things I see; regardless of what each piece means to me, or what the story is behind the work, I am happy to leave my art open to interpretation. Often when I do discuss my work with people who have seen it I actually learn something about it myself. Some conversations have been revelations for me as people have pointed out things that I was perhaps not consciously aware of but the fact that they were created subconsciously makes complete sense. I sometimes also find that it is not until I am prompted or 'forced' to discuss certain works that they, or the ideas, actually become more evident to me.
A Clean Slate... or Plate
Let 2008 really begin.
The year of the rat is now upon us - farewell year of the pig or the pig of a year. My year was not bad, just a little mad.
It was a strange start to this new year and I am feeling a little out of sorts due to taking some medication that my body is finding foriegn. I don't like taking tablets at the best of times. With most negatives come a positive however and today was no exception so it is with open arms I now welcome this new year: the year of the rat... and it is only now, as I type, that I realise an anagram of rat is art.
The year of ART.
Tired of Just Waiting
It has been a tiring season in the hospitality industry. As the peak of the 'Summer' season comes to a close and the tourists start to wane, people find themselves running out of money, many head back to work and kids go back to school, I am beginning to find more time for me and ultimately for my art.
I have not felt much like 'me' lately but it is now time to focus on my 'artist' self.
It has been an interesting time focusing more on a different 'job', however it has been necessary for me to get myself back into a comfortable position and out of debt in order to get back into the more important things and ultimately back to being 'me'.
It has been an anxious time and there have been moments where I found the whole experience rather negative but recently I decided to use this as motivation for my art and turn it into a positive. I foresee my next body of work having a lot to do with my recent time in the hospitality industry as the 'painting waitress'. My partner, who is a chef, has helped me to see the more creative, artistic and sensual side to food - this has also been somewhat inspiring.
I still have a strong fascination with Japan and believe its influence will feature heavily again in my work, however, perhaps for the time being I shall focus on inspirations closer to home. I have recently opened up my eyes to just how much (inspiration) is right in front of me. The grass often looks greener on the other side... yet at the same time, as cliché as it may sound - there is nothing quite like the green, green grass of home.
Affirmations
I attended a yoga class today. My first in a few years. It felt so good to do it again - properly. It felt good to do something for myself. I have been meaning to 'get back into it' for a long time now and today I realised just how much I have missed it.
I often talk or write about 'symbolism'... the Oxford online dictionary sums it up as follows:
Symbolism:
n.
1. The practice of representing things by means of symbols or of attributing symbolic meanings or significance to objects, events, or relationships.
2. A system of symbols or representations.
3. A symbolic meaning or representation.
4. Revelation or suggestion of intangible conditions or truths by artistic invention.
5. Symbolism - The movement, theory, or practice of the late 19th-century Symbolists.
I like number 1 - number 4 is probably my favourite though.
At the beginning of the class this morning, the teacher laid out a whole lot of affirmation/meditation cards face down and asked everyone to come and pick one up and read it. I was the last one in the class to pick up a card but I don't think I could have picked a more appropriate one. The cards were from a set by Brahma Kumaris and the one I picked up was Creativity. Although I cannot remember the card word for word right now - it seemed so very appropriate for me today as my return to yoga is part of my ongoing effort to get myself more motivated and creatively productive.
I came home and painted for the first time in months. I painted all afternoon and into the evening. It felt so right.
Hallelujah!
Today is the 23rd January. It's a special date for me personally - for the second time.
How things can make so much more sense in time.
The Comfort of Strangers
I am feeling extremely tired but am forcing myself to write an entry tonight - even if it ends up being about nothing. I am struggling to get back into my writing or anything creative at the moment, although I think today may have been a turning point. Something has been brewing in my creative sector that has been put on hold for far too long now. The desire has never faded; it’s the motivation that I have lacked. Three complete strangers helped me find it again today.
I was at the gym this morning - something that I am doing to help myself both physically and mentally, and something that seems to be working and helping me manage my emotional self. Having been prone to bouts of depression since my early teens, I have always needed a vice to help me deal with my own emotional state. Some vices have been good, others more detrimental, but regardless, I have always relied on something, and occasionally, mistake or not, someone.
Since entering my 30's I have always tried to make that someone ME, however there have been times I have failed myself.
Clinical depression has affected most members of my direct family and we have all coped in different ways. A couple of years ago I was seeing a fantastic, and far from conventional, psychologist who helped me to realise that despite being diagnosed on more than one occasion with clinical depression and taking numerous amounts of medication at different points in my life, a lot of mine was reactional. Once I accepted this I felt quite empowered and after many emotional battles with myself I worked out ways to help myself. My tiredness and physical exhaustion has not helped my emotional state lately. My partner is going through some rather trying times at the moment and like most people, I seem to have taken on board the stress, and its effects, of the one I love and am closet to. It's a hard thing to take a step back sometimes, even when a step back is probably the right or best thing to do. Often during times like this, one can put so much time and energy into another’s, or everybody else’s, life and dilemmas that one forgets to save anything for oneself. I have done this recently and chosen to acknowledge it only now. It has all been with good intention but it probably needs to stop about now. My partner and I both agree that I have neglected myself and the thing that is most important to me - my art.
By giving back to ME I will actually be benefiting more people than just myself. I will be able to stand at the top of the well and throw down a rope rather than climb on in and join the one down there.
Getting back to the gym and the three women that pulled me out of my well today. Lack of sleep, being overworked, an irregular diet and unnecessary emotional stress took its toll on me today whilst in a cycle class. The class had only just started and I could not find a rapport with my bike or get comfortable - possibly one of the most insignificant things, yet it was enough to make me crack. I left the class and went to the change room and burst into tears. (Whether it is a good thing or not, and whether people understand it or not, I often use crying as a form of release rather than bottling things up or carrying them around.) I was so involved in my own situation that I didn't even think about anyone else being aware of me - in a public change room! Suddenly I felt a hand on my left shoulder..then a hand on my right. An older and calm voice asked if I was alright. I looked up to see two middle-aged ladies with a look of understanding more so than concern. A third and older lady approached shortly after. The three of them didn't seem know each other well, nor did they know me from a bar of soap but at the risk of sounding like a feminist - something wonderful happened in that room and reminded me of the benefits of relationships and communication between a woman and other women - whether they be brief or intense, whether they are a one off or a lifetime association. With no disrespect to men, as most of my closest friends are male, there are just some things that only a woman can understand about another woman. Perhaps the same could be said about men. We are genetically different after all.
Without knowing anything about me, or even why I was crying, they managed to say the right things - even when I wasn't wanting anything to be said. Within minutes the four of us were laughing in unison. One even embraced me. I enjoyed the moment and returned to the gym feeling more motivated than I had in a long time. Thank you ladies.
I left the gym with my motivation and it has followed me around all day. I decided to keep it and brought it home with me tonight. Whilst sitting on the couch with it I came up with an idea for my next body of work.
Perhaps today has been more productive than I had thought.
Time-a-waits
It won't be long now...
I Think I Smell a Rat
I caught up with a very dear and long time friend who was visiting from Singapore yesterday. We met at Melbourne School of Art when I was 17. In fact, my teacher/lecturer actually made a point of introducing us.
I have always seen S as a wise soul and yesterday we discussed many things in our too brief catch up. One of them was the chaotic aspect of the year just gone and the beginning of this one. On both a personal and universal scale. He did mention to me that it will not be until the Chinese new year begins that things fall into place or get back to where they should be. Many things we talked about made sense to me and helped me see things clearer than I have for some time now.
The year of the Rat is almost upon us.
Under Rug Swept
I have spent most of today listening to music... and not much else. I feel extremely tired, physically and emotionally. My music is affecting me in a way it hasn't for a while now, I have not had time to let it. It's such a powerful medium. It's drawing everything out of me today. At this very moment I am listening to Alanis Morissette sing So Unsexy. I can totally relate to the lyrics of this song right now. I've missed my music. And whilst not everything it is drawing out of me today is pleasant, it (music) is a welcome return to my life.
Time Bandits
It is the fifth day of 2008... but when does this 'new' year really begin?
Looking Back, Looking Forward
Another year is almost over.
Where do I begin this entry?
Well.... finally I have my own laptop. I bought myself a Mac Book on Thursday evening and have spent all my spare time over the past few days uploading all my music onto iTunes. I have missed music featuring heavily in my life of late. I finally feel like I am starting to get my life a little organised again after being back for over 6 months now! It has been a slow process and an eventful year. 33 has not been anything like what I had imagined - but what age or year ever really is?
I have felt a little more robotic than human recently. Art, or at least my production of it, has taken a back seat in my life, which has been challenging. It is forever in my heart and on my mind but this year took a strange twist and I found myself returning from Japan in June with financial debt and a mixed bag of emotions. The mixed bag, despite leaving a relationship as well as the country, was partly just one I carry around at the best of times but the financial 
